Here we are. 141 posts. Not bad. I auto-shake my hand mentally. I actually do sometimes weird things like shaking my own hand for real, after I accomplish some great thought… but I am writing now, so need to use my hands to type. Actually only my colleagues and those who know me well, know that I actually type 90% of everything with just the 2 index fingers. And bet, I am super fast! Ops, now everyone knows…
Anyway, 141. I guess this makes me a writer. At least just for the fact of having typed all those characters I am a writer in the true meaning of it. But I like to consider myself a writer also ideaologically. And then, are we writers only when people do actually read us??? let’s leave it aside for now, cause it’s one of those topic like “the tree that falls in the forest does it produce noise if no one hears?”, enigmatic and never-ending-discussion-opener type of thing.
141. And the topic is love. Once again. Or better the love I don’t have, rather.
One week ago B. writes me an email (and I should specify, it wasn’t to invite me and neither to communicate the news in th first place, was to answer something I asked him. But still, counts. Plus, I like to state that me and B. are in good terms after 3 years apart.) and in between other lines, telling this and that he pulls off that he is getting married this summer!
GULP! The best i can do here is to borrow this from the onomatopeic world of the comic books.
I mean, don’t get me wrong, this has nothing to do with still-open-scars or love-revivals. No, no, no. this is just the sort of things that put the whole world magically on “pause” while you turn head around left, then right, observe and then end asking yourself the question. It is not jealousy, nor regret, neither melancholy, nostalgy, sadness… None of these, all the adjective of the world are useless for once! In my writer’s tool box nothing can help. This is just a mixed feeling. Can’t describe it and also quite fugitive cause it last the time of a twinkle. We can only sum it up in the big interrogative. And the queston is: “AND ME? WHERE AM I???”. (editor’s note: here read as if question marks are in bold 36 pts).
That’s it. We love someone, very much. Then we break up, don’t ven remember exactly when, how or why. we just have a vague list of reasons we thought we listed somewhere on a wall of our mind. And we have our current life in our hands. that’s it. That’s all we have. While someone very important in our past is getting married. And I mean someone with whom we actually imagined several times of getting married. (note that women do actually imagine their own wedding at least once a week, with different partners usually met in the streets, the milkman, the postman, David Beckham smiling at them from the D&G underwear commercial covering the city… and so on. But these don’t count. Only when your partner imagine that with you as well, at least once, then it counts. Cause is the imagination of 2 together. Sustained by love.) And then suddenly (suddenly, what the hell! 3 years have passed of course! And people… But in this fraction of a second semms yesterday) he gets married. Without you. And you wonder where you are gone.
You know. I am honest. I wish for myself this. In this moment more than ever. I wish myself love that doesn’t fade. I wish myself big love again. NOW! I WANT IT!! GIVE IT TO ME!!! (…) (-nothing happened… yet. Is just me and the laptop here. Not even my new iphone 4S with Siri application when i express my feelings for him answers back. He is sceptical and most of the time says “I bet you say this to all your Apple products”. He doesn’t want to marry me either. He responds can only look for businesses, maps and traffic in the USA, and that I have to speak US English with him and marriage is not covered by the User Licensing Agreement. CRAP!)
But also I wish B. so. Really. I do wish him all the good things I wish for myself. Cause that’s what we do with those we have loved.
Let me quote Camus: “Non essere amati è una semplice sfortuna; la vera disgrazia è non amare.”
This clearly opens a season. Approaching 30s and that’s the time for my friend’s generation! I started to be invited to weddings last summer… tic tac… is normal to think about it. Especially after this weekend when I went to the Carnival celebration in Ticino and I was surrounded by pople making out. All over. They were everywhere! For God’s sake!